How To Win Friends And Influence People
July 14, 2004
San Francisco, CA
Many of these ideas are semi-adapted from Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends & Influence People”. I really appreciate his advice, some are quite obvious, but yet so important to keep in mind. I find that many of these interpersonal tips can really enhance the quality of relationships and the trust between friends. I’m not trying to change your personality with these ideas, but simply make it easier for you to be more approachable for others. Every example of mine comes from many years of not knowing better, people telling me certain idiosyncracies of mine that I was not aware of, and learning from my mistakes.
1. Smile Wide
2. Make good eye contact
3. Always remember the person’s name
4. Show the person that it’s your pleasure to meet him/her
5. Listen attentively
6. Ask good follow up questions or give interesting remarks
7. Show an interest in what the person is interested in
8. Do not criticize
9. Make the person feel needed and important
10. Praise the person even when it’s hard to find things to praise the person for
11. Never give the impression that you have “arrived” but that you are still learning
12. Show appreciation
13. Show concern and care
14. Write encouraging notes, letters, postcards
15. When rebuking and correcting, use gentleness and let the person know that the reason why you bring things up is because you love the person
16. Do not impose your personal expectations on others
17. Don’t be afraid to apologize and/or admit when you are wrong
18. When trying to persuade someone give them time to think and reflect
19. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective
20. Dramatize your ideas
21. Start things in ways that benefits them
22. Give the person a fine reputation to live up to
23. Praise even the smallest effort or improvement
24. Be wise in the manner in which you say things
25. When confronting a person do it privately
1. Smile Big
As a Christian, you, among all the world’s people, have the most to smile about. Even when everything seemed to have gone awry that day you have so much to be thankful for. Remember! God saved you from his wrath. Yes. Even when you are having the worst day possible there is something to be thankful for. Let’s say you spill hot coffee all over your favorite jacket, your dog bites you, you just got fired, someone gossiped about you, your girlfriend/boyfriend just broke up with you, and a thousand other countless things.
Nothing is as bad as not smiling when meeting people. When you don’t smile people don’t feel welcomed and warmly received by you. They don’t even think that you like being around them, even if you do. What I’d suggest is to have a good friend (I’d recommend asking a girl since they usually have more of a clue regarding these things than guys) give you feedback as you interact with other people on whether you smile when talking with people and if you smile well. This valuable feedback will be a starting point.
Why don’t more people smile? Well, as self-centered people we often don’t smile or think about smiling when meeting or interacting with someone because smiling requires effort (not really a whole lot, but only a little bit if you really think about it). Smiling is an outward expression that something is pleasant or beneficial to you (e.g. you smile when you smell Kung Pao chicken, you smile when you hear a funny joke, you smile when you see a rainbow after a storm…). For you not to smile when meeting someone may indicate that you don’t really value friendships or people interaction. This may also indicate that you don’t really have a heart for people or care for them as God would have you do. It may also mean that you care about yourself too much at the neglect of loving others.
One way to remind yourself to smile is to hum a tune or sing a song to yourself. Take all the reminders you can muster up. This will help you especially if smiling is not your default facial expression.
2. Make good eye contact
When speaking or listening to someone you should definitely make eye contact. Make eye contact in a way that communicates, “Go on, I’m listening. You have my undivided attention.” Avoid looking at your watch. Avoid looking around at the surroundings. Basically, avoid looking at anything else. However, with that said, there is a time to break eye contact. Sometimes it’s too intense to look into a person’s eyes for 10 minutes straight, let’s say. If you feel that it’s too intense feel free to break eye contact for about 2 seconds, but no longer than 2 seconds. After the break, continue making good eye contact. Good eye contact shows that you care.
3. Always, always, always remember the person’s name
You don’t know how many times I’ve called someone by their name to have them say to me, “I’m sorry. I’m very bad with names. What’s your name again?” This makes me feel so small and insignificant. Nor does this encourage me to want to get to know this person anymore. (It’s even worse when someone says, “Have I met you before?” but that’s whole different problem that we won’t deal with here.) You see, my name is extremely important to me. I’m sure that it’s just as important to you. Whenever someone calls me “Mike!” it’s like music to my ears. (By the way, when you call someone by his/her name, you ought to say it in a very exciting and fun way, not boring and colorless. If you don’t understand what I just said, call me. We’ll talk about it).
Even if you don’t remember anything else about the person you must remember their names! Here are a couple of ways to help you remember someone’s name.
1) When talking to them repeat their names.
You: So Sherrie, you work as a doctor?
Sherrie: Yea, I work at Children’s Hospital. And you?
You: Sherrie, I’m a plumber.
Sherrie: Gosh, that must be great to go into homes and meet new people.
You: You wouldn’t believe how exciting it is, Sherrie…
2) When you see the person again at a social event in the distance ask someone for that person’s name. This has saved me so many times. I would ask a friend, “Hey, who’s the guy with the Star Wars t-shirt?” After my friend tells me, I’ll approach the person with tremendous confidence saying, “How’s it going, John?” and on with the conversation. He/She will be pretty impressed that you cared enough to remember his/her name.
I remember having dinner in NY City back in February 2004 with two friends accompanied by 8 other of their friends at Ollie’s Chinese Restaurant after a Vision Church service. Since I had to leave early, I rehearsed in my head the names of everyone around and if I didn’t know I asked someone to whisper his/her name into my ear again. Well, the time came for me to leave and I shook hands good bye with everyone and said their names, “Warren, nice meeting you. Jennifer, nice meeting you. Stacey, nice meeting you…” When I was done, everyone was quite impressed that I remembered everyone’s names. This really opened the door for them to get to know me better the next time I came to NY City. They obviously remembered me and I can tell that they were much more open and friendlier to me than if I didn’t bother remembering their names.
The same thing happened to me yesterday at Pearl’s Coffee Shop in San Francisco where I often go to think, read, write, and pray. Since there was a new cashier, I said, “Hey are you new here? Haven’t seen you before?... My name’s Mike, by the way, what’s yours?” The cashier smiled and said, “My name is Berry.” While I was leaving Pearl’s two hours later, Berry said, “Thanks for coming… Mike, right?” I responded, “Yup. See you, Berry.”
Something as simple as getting and remembering someone’s name goes a long way. Because I cared enough to get and remember Berry’s name, he’s more open to getting to know me. Hopefully, we can talk more as I frequent Pearl’s more often. You never know, this can even be a bridge to the gospel one day.
4. Show the person that it’s your pleasure to meet him/her
I had a wonderful privilege last month (June 2004) to meet Jack and Janice Lee, a wonderful God-fearing couple in Boston. I was so impressed and blessed that I couldn’t hold in my pleasure at meeting them. When I was leaving I said to Janice (Jack wasn’t present), “Janice, the privilege is definitely mine. I’m so happy that our lives crossed. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting you and Lee.”
I even wrote them a small note on a post it and put it on a bag of Garfield cheese crackers. To put a nice touch to things, I asked my friend to give this to them after I leave for SF, my hometown. When I talked to Jack days later, he really appreciated my kind gesture.
Guys, you don’t meet many people that are a wonderful blessings every day. If you do, let them know how blessed you are to meet them. (Even if you are not blessed to meet some people, you should still extend cordial pleasantries. This gives the person dignity and respect.)
5. Listen attentively
One time I was talking to my friend Susan on the phone and I spaced out for a few minutes. Annie thinking that I spaced out said, “Are you listening?” Out of instinct I said, “Yea.” She then prodded further, “What did I say?” I was so embarrassed. I realized that I completely tuned out of the conversation. Well, the sad thing was that it happened to me twice. I tuned out twice and she caught me both times. Since then I’ve learned that I can’t do email and talk to someone on the phone. In other words, I am not a multi task individual. I’ve also learned that I really need to engage someone in conversation by listening to them and be good at it. You really can’t be a half hearted listener, the other person can tell right away. Plus, if someone is willing to give you his/her time, you honor him/her by being all ears. Listening is a lost art these days. Everyone wants to talk, nobody wants to listen. When you listen attentively, you’ll stand out from the rest.
6. Ask good follow up questions or give relevant remarks
Another way to show that you care about someone is asking them good follow up questions or give interesting remarks that show that you care. Observe this mock conversation:
Sally: Gosh, I can’t wait to go to the summer retreat this year!
John: O yea?! Me too! It should be a lot of fun. What are you looking forward to? (John is asking a follow up question that shows that he is interested in knowing.)
Sally: I can’t wait to hang out with the girls I met last year. It was so fun last year.
John: Yea, that should be fun! I can’t wait to hear what John Piper has to talk about. (Here, John is sharing what he’s looking forward to. This is what I call giving a relevant remark. It is not always a good idea for John take the role of a question asker. There needs to be balance.)
7. Show an interest in what the person is interested in
I have a teenage sister who just graduated from high school. Over the years, whenever I ask her how she was doing she would respond with “Fine!” End of conversation. I realize now that it would be a better way to build a relationship with her by doing things that she liked instead of talking with her. (This will differ depending on the person). So lately, I’ve taken her to the Gilroy Shopping Outlets to buy clothes, talk about what a good deal is, what kind of clothes look good and what doesn’t. Our conversations are not very deep, but it’s a starting point. I’ve even talked to her about my thoughts on dating and girls… hoping to connect with her and chat about things that interest her. I’m sure she appreciates my efforts in trying to bridge out 9 year age gap. It helps to show interest in what the person is interested in.
When I’m with my non-Christian friend Eric, we talk about completely different things than I talk with to my sister. Eric never had a girlfriend before and isn’t exactly a Prince Charming type so talking about dating and romance makes him feel a bit on the outside. Instead, I know that he loves talking about business, making money, and entrepreneurial ideas, so I tend to gear our conversations in way where he seems to have an upper hand and much confidence in. This makes him feel like an expert. I ask him questions and probe his mind which lets him know that I’m not disconnected, but am also interested in the same things he is interested in. I hope that our friendship can be a bridge to the gospel one day. In the meantime, I’ll keep letting him know that I’m interested in the things that interest him.
8. Do not criticize
(This is not to be confused with constructive criticism, which has as its goal seeking out the other person’s best interest, always done in a spirit of love and gentleness.)
It’s so easy for us to criticize, condemn people when they do something wrong or disappoint us. I know an “Uncle Gilbert” who did nothing but criticized and condemned his daughter, Arlene. In his eyes, she could do nothing right. When she was younger if she didn’t eat much, he’d scream at her, “You need to eat! Why you come to the restaurant and not eat?!” Now that Arlene is a teenager she wants nothing to do with her critical dad.
Even if you feel like calling someone “stupid” or “idiot” or say things like “Can’t you do anything right?” you need to hold your tongue. These words can really damage people and destroy them. It can even wreck your relationship with people. Yes, if you show how upset you are at somebody and criticize them they may not make the same mistakes again, but then again they will never see you in the same light ever. On the outside, they may be OK, but on the inside, they may be filled with anger and hatred toward you. You must value the quality of your relationship with people more than you want them to do things your way.
It’s very easy for people to criticize or put down others. Let’s say you asked Samantha, your wife, to pick up some milk on her way home and she forgot. Naturally, you’ll get upset simply because you didn’t get what you wanted, namely milk. Instinctively, you’ll want to blame her and say something like, “How could you forget the milk?!” or “You’re so forgetful. Can’t you do anything right?” or “What am I going to eat my cereal in tomorrow morning?!”
Blaming her will make the situation worse. Yea, you’ll feel better for a few minutes after venting out your frustrations, but how will she feel? Do you think that criticizing her will help you develop a closer, warmer relationship with each other?
The next time you want to criticize or blame someone don’t! Instead take advantage of the situation to let Samantha know about what you mean to her. Even if she forgot the milk say something like, “Don’t worry about it, Samantha. You had so much to do today I would have forgotten, too, if I were you,” or, “No worries. I was going to get something else that I just remembered anyways. Wanna come with me? I’ll buy you some ice cream!”
There are also indirect ways we criticize people as well. When I was in 9th grade, my music teacher criticized me in front of my parents. He said to my parents, “Michael, is good [at playing clarinet], but he’s not that good!”
Before that I played the clarinet for three years. I loved it. I wasn’t the best, but I loved it. Ever since that comment, I felt really hurt and embarrassed by my music teacher. I really resented playing clarinet under him. Eventually, I resented playing clarinet altogether because I associated music with my music teacher. Soon thereafter, I dropped the clarinet and never picked it up ever again. Today I can’t even remember how to play anything.
What the lesson? Criticism hurts! It really damages. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say it! Seriously! Don’t say it!
9. Make the person feel needed and important
As I am writing, a friend of mine named Cynthia is getting married this upcoming Saturday. She asked me to help her out that day so I’ll be an usher for both the ceremony and banquet, chaufer to drive her relatives from place to place, delivery boy bringing dim sum and food from the restaurant to her house, and just about anything else. Since I know how important these roles to the overall experience that day that there is not the least bit in me that feels like I would rather do something else. I feel important.
If you have a favor to ask someone, let’s say, you need someone to edit your grad school personal statements, you should make that person feel needed and important. You can say something like, “Gosh, Christie, I heard that you love writing and excellent at it, too. I was wondering… If you have some time I’d love to have you take a look at my essays before I send them into Oxford University. I know I’m not a very good writer, that’s why I could use help from the best! Would you have time?”
10. Praise the person even when it’s hard to find things to praise the person for
There are many people in this world who are not blessed with the same abilities you have been given. They may be clumsy, forgetful, socially awkward, too verbose… Our natural tendency is to stay away from these kind of people because it is emotionally draining for us to hang around them.
I have a friend named Jackson who people stayed away from. He was always mismatched in the way he dressed, asked you questions as if he were interviewing you, lacked basic social skills, had a funny haircut, and wore thick glasses. At first, I couldn’t find anything positive about him. However, Jackson was a computer genius. I’d ask him for help with my computer problems and he’d fix them. Even in someone like Jackson there are things to praise in him for. I would praise him saying, “Gosh, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thanks for helping a computer problem prone person like me. You really have a special gift working with computers.” A simple statement like that can go so far.
11. Never give the impression that you have “arrived” but that you are still learning
People don’t like it when you think of yourself as “all that” because they often think that you think you’re better than them. If they think that you think you’re better they may not want to associate with you. Even though you may be a highly talented musician, you don’t want to give off that impression. It may be a good idea to share about your struggles getting to where you are, what you learned along the way, and telling them that you still have a long ways to go.
12. Show appreciation
I remember a few years ago buying a bunch of “Thank You” cards at a store so that I can write some notes to thank people. A female customer in a sports jacket saw this, looked at me, and remarked, “I wish I got a ‘thank you’ card at work. I’ve been there for years, but never got a thing.” I can tell just how much it would have meant for this lady to receive even a simple note of appreciation at work. Everyone feels underappreciated and overworked. As a Christian, there are many ways to show appreciation. You can write a card, give a small gift, take the person to see the SF Giants game, invite him over for dinner, have coffee, and so forth. A little gesture can mean so much.
I remember a college friend named Helen, who made an appreciation photo frame for me to express how much she appreciated me being her Bible study leader that year. I appreciate all the effort that she took to make it for me and the personalization. It encouraged me to know that God used me to encourage and impact people for his glory, even in ways I’m not aware about.
13. Show concern and care
How do you get someone to put on his seat belt in your car? (Some people I’ve driven don’t like wearing it) Well, you can say something like, “Look. If you’re in my car, you have to wear a seatbelt!” or you can say something like, “Johnny, there are lots of careless drivers on the road these days. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you in case there’s a car accident. Would you mind wearing your seatbelt?” The latter approach will convince little Johnny to wear his seatbelt. It will also show your concern and care. The former approach may get Johnny to wear his seatbelt, but he will not feel like you care about him, nor will it help you cultivate a closer relationship with him.
I remember teaching middle school Sunday school two weeks ago. There was a student named Sam whom I wanted to encourage so I asked him about life at school. I took an interest in what he was concerned about. I can tell that there were bullies and classmates who made fun of him so I gently and lovingly challenged to love his enemies. I shared verses on loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you so I said the next time a bully takes his locker from him, he should offer him some candy or cookies, as a way to bless his bully. Sam knew that I cared about how he was doing in school.
14. Write encouraging notes, letters, postcards
Writing is a lost art. Almost nobody writes anymore (I’m not including email). There is nothing like receiving a hand written note or card. Back when I was just about to start college as a freshman a high school freshman named Kristy wrote a letter to me. It was a pleasant surprise. She mentioned in her letter how much she appreciated my example as a Christian to her as a freshman. She also mentioned that even though we didn’t really know each other that well that she was really encouraged to see my desire to grow in Christ. I was deeply encouraged that someone would make the effort to let me know how much I was appreciated and noticed.
Whenever someone sends me a missions support letter, not only do I send a check for financial support, but I write them a short note letting them know that they are in my prayers and thoughts. People do not simply appreciate financially support, but emotional support as well. What better way to express it than to write a hand written letter. It shows that you think that the person is worth the time you’ve invested in writing.
These days almost nobody spends the time writing letters to anyone. The only thing people ever get in their mailbox is credit card ads and business solicitations. If someone means something to you, let him or her know. Write a note of appreciation. Generally speaking you want to be a specific as possible (i.e. Thanks for taking me on a tour of SF last week. I really enjoyed seeing the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time. Even more, I’m glad to spend time with you and catching up…)
15. When rebuking and correcting, use gentleness and let the person know that the reason why you bring things up is because you love the person
I remember a teammate named Sherry confronting me about being late whenever I came back at night when I was doing missions in Mexico. She felt that since the team leader told me that I was to be back by 11pm that I should be back by then. I felt a little hurt that she said that to me because it’s not comfortable being confronted. I’m glad that she did though because she was watching out for me. She didn’t want the rest of the team to lose respect for me because I never came back on time. (I usually came back late because I was ministering to some people). Sherry found the best time to confront me when we went fishing. I appreciate her help. After this and a few lessons later, I’ve learned just how important it is to be on time to things. In our culture, not being on time is considered rude and disrespectful even if that’s not what you wanted to communicate.
16. Have no expectation
Have no expectation of other people. Or try not to. What do I mean by this? Well, let’s say you want Mark to help move some of your furniture on Saturday morning and you know that he has nothing to do. You call him and he apologizes and says that he “has to” watch the college football games. If you had an expectation you would feel that Mark has let you down and just when you needed him to offer a hand he doesn’t come through because he rather watch football than help a friend. You may feel frustrated at Mark. You may start to resent him and say to yourself that if he ever needed your help that you wouldn’t even help him just so that he knows how it feels.
Instead, you should have no expectation that Mark, even though he’s your friend, would help. This way, whether he offers to help you or not, your friendship with him is not jeopardized or harmed. In other words, you ought to have no expectation of Mark in terms of what he can do for you… but you should have expectations for him as an individual- desire him to fulfill his potential at work, or desire for him to live up to his goals if you were holding him accountable to something, etc.
17. Don’t be afraid to admit you are wrong
When you admit that you are wrong and ask for forgiveness it really tears down the walls or barriers between you and the other person. It is also a sign of humility. Start with “Look, I could be wrong, but…” It’s basically putting your pride on the line for the sake of taking ownership of a wrong to reconcile something in a relationship. This way they can make their decision more so than if you were to cram it down their throats.
18. When trying to persuade someone give them time to think and reflect
Everyone wants to make their own decisions without being rushed. Don’t be a salesperson to your friends and force them to make decisions, especially important ones, on the spot. Give them space to think on their own. Let them come up with their own decisions.
19. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective
If you can anticipate how a person may feel given a certain situation this will make you even more sensitive to the person’s needs.
20. Dramatize your ideas
You want people to go camping with you at Yosemite Park? Well, you should sell it! Most people are very boring when they invite people to their events. They may say something like, “Hey do you want to go to Eddie’s birthday dinner?” Instead, they should say, “Hey, you should come with me to Eddie’s birthday dinner. It’ll be a lot of fun. I heard that Julia will be there, too, it’ll be good to catch up with her and see how her trip to South Africa went. And you know what? Afterwards, we’re going to go ice skating over the frozen lake at Central Park. You should totally come!” Even if you know the person can’t come, you should still “sell it.” It’s just good practice for you to make life more exciting, not just for you, but for those around you.
21. Start things in ways that benefits them
If you want someone to go to the 4th of July fireworks show with you, don’t just say, “You wanna go see the fireworks?” Instead, restate the question in a way that would benefit him to go, like “Jack, you’re coming to the once a year fireworks right? I heard that there’s going to be great jazz music, too (This is assuming Jack likes jazz).”
22. Give the person a fine reputation to live up to
I’ve worked with many students of various ages in education, teaching them to think for themselves and challenging them to improve. Obviously there are times when my students do poorly in school. Instead of saying, “Billy, you did a bad job with this test. I can’t believe you!” Say something like, “Billy, I know that this must have been a super hard test. If I were you I wouldn’t have done much better. But I know that you are good at math! All you have to do is focus and you’ll be on your way to being a math genius in no time. Let’s see what we can work on together to help you get there!”
Believe me, praise works much better than criticism.
23. Praise even the smallest effort or improvement
Everyone needs encouragement. When I started free-lance writing I didn’t start writing for ToyShrimp Ministries voluminously in the beginning. Nope. I wasn’t sure if I was any good or if anyone liked what I was writing.
It was the encouragement of a small handful of people who read my writing and encouraged me to press on. They said things that really encouraged me like, “Mike, this is very well written. I think a lot of people will be encouraged by it.” Or “Mike, you have a unique ability to communicate through writing. Keep it up!”
I’m not kidding you. If people didn’t encourage me I wouldn’t be writing today.
24. Be wise in how you say what you say
There are many ways to apply this. If you need the salt passed, instead of saying, “Gimme the salt!” you can say something like:
“I’m sorry to trouble you, but would you mind passing the salt?”
“Would you be so kind to pass the salt?”
“Would it be too much trouble to pass the salt?”
Think of ways to be wise in how you say things. Remember, it’s not the words alone that communicates, but your body language, tone of voice, and volume.
25. When confronting someone, do it privately.
Whether you want to apologize for something or talk about some weighty issues that need to be squared away, make sure you don’t do this in front of others. It may embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable to know that others are listening in on the conversation.
Conclusion
So there you have it! I hope that reading this will jog your thinking process to see which area(s) you might want to work on. Remember, all of us have something we can improve in. If you’re up for it, I think that the single greatest asset you’ll have is a couple of real good friends of both genders who can give you honest feedback on what they think about you. I ask people around me all the time, “How am I doing?”, “Should I have said that?”, “Do you think I was clear enough when talking to Jill?”, and so on.
I wish you good luck! May you be a people magnet.
July 14, 2004
San Francisco, CA
Many of these ideas are semi-adapted from Dale Carnegie’s “How To Win Friends & Influence People”. I really appreciate his advice, some are quite obvious, but yet so important to keep in mind. I find that many of these interpersonal tips can really enhance the quality of relationships and the trust between friends. I’m not trying to change your personality with these ideas, but simply make it easier for you to be more approachable for others. Every example of mine comes from many years of not knowing better, people telling me certain idiosyncracies of mine that I was not aware of, and learning from my mistakes.
1. Smile Wide
2. Make good eye contact
3. Always remember the person’s name
4. Show the person that it’s your pleasure to meet him/her
5. Listen attentively
6. Ask good follow up questions or give interesting remarks
7. Show an interest in what the person is interested in
8. Do not criticize
9. Make the person feel needed and important
10. Praise the person even when it’s hard to find things to praise the person for
11. Never give the impression that you have “arrived” but that you are still learning
12. Show appreciation
13. Show concern and care
14. Write encouraging notes, letters, postcards
15. When rebuking and correcting, use gentleness and let the person know that the reason why you bring things up is because you love the person
16. Do not impose your personal expectations on others
17. Don’t be afraid to apologize and/or admit when you are wrong
18. When trying to persuade someone give them time to think and reflect
19. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective
20. Dramatize your ideas
21. Start things in ways that benefits them
22. Give the person a fine reputation to live up to
23. Praise even the smallest effort or improvement
24. Be wise in the manner in which you say things
25. When confronting a person do it privately
1. Smile Big
As a Christian, you, among all the world’s people, have the most to smile about. Even when everything seemed to have gone awry that day you have so much to be thankful for. Remember! God saved you from his wrath. Yes. Even when you are having the worst day possible there is something to be thankful for. Let’s say you spill hot coffee all over your favorite jacket, your dog bites you, you just got fired, someone gossiped about you, your girlfriend/boyfriend just broke up with you, and a thousand other countless things.
Nothing is as bad as not smiling when meeting people. When you don’t smile people don’t feel welcomed and warmly received by you. They don’t even think that you like being around them, even if you do. What I’d suggest is to have a good friend (I’d recommend asking a girl since they usually have more of a clue regarding these things than guys) give you feedback as you interact with other people on whether you smile when talking with people and if you smile well. This valuable feedback will be a starting point.
Why don’t more people smile? Well, as self-centered people we often don’t smile or think about smiling when meeting or interacting with someone because smiling requires effort (not really a whole lot, but only a little bit if you really think about it). Smiling is an outward expression that something is pleasant or beneficial to you (e.g. you smile when you smell Kung Pao chicken, you smile when you hear a funny joke, you smile when you see a rainbow after a storm…). For you not to smile when meeting someone may indicate that you don’t really value friendships or people interaction. This may also indicate that you don’t really have a heart for people or care for them as God would have you do. It may also mean that you care about yourself too much at the neglect of loving others.
One way to remind yourself to smile is to hum a tune or sing a song to yourself. Take all the reminders you can muster up. This will help you especially if smiling is not your default facial expression.
2. Make good eye contact
When speaking or listening to someone you should definitely make eye contact. Make eye contact in a way that communicates, “Go on, I’m listening. You have my undivided attention.” Avoid looking at your watch. Avoid looking around at the surroundings. Basically, avoid looking at anything else. However, with that said, there is a time to break eye contact. Sometimes it’s too intense to look into a person’s eyes for 10 minutes straight, let’s say. If you feel that it’s too intense feel free to break eye contact for about 2 seconds, but no longer than 2 seconds. After the break, continue making good eye contact. Good eye contact shows that you care.
3. Always, always, always remember the person’s name
You don’t know how many times I’ve called someone by their name to have them say to me, “I’m sorry. I’m very bad with names. What’s your name again?” This makes me feel so small and insignificant. Nor does this encourage me to want to get to know this person anymore. (It’s even worse when someone says, “Have I met you before?” but that’s whole different problem that we won’t deal with here.) You see, my name is extremely important to me. I’m sure that it’s just as important to you. Whenever someone calls me “Mike!” it’s like music to my ears. (By the way, when you call someone by his/her name, you ought to say it in a very exciting and fun way, not boring and colorless. If you don’t understand what I just said, call me. We’ll talk about it).
Even if you don’t remember anything else about the person you must remember their names! Here are a couple of ways to help you remember someone’s name.
1) When talking to them repeat their names.
You: So Sherrie, you work as a doctor?
Sherrie: Yea, I work at Children’s Hospital. And you?
You: Sherrie, I’m a plumber.
Sherrie: Gosh, that must be great to go into homes and meet new people.
You: You wouldn’t believe how exciting it is, Sherrie…
2) When you see the person again at a social event in the distance ask someone for that person’s name. This has saved me so many times. I would ask a friend, “Hey, who’s the guy with the Star Wars t-shirt?” After my friend tells me, I’ll approach the person with tremendous confidence saying, “How’s it going, John?” and on with the conversation. He/She will be pretty impressed that you cared enough to remember his/her name.
I remember having dinner in NY City back in February 2004 with two friends accompanied by 8 other of their friends at Ollie’s Chinese Restaurant after a Vision Church service. Since I had to leave early, I rehearsed in my head the names of everyone around and if I didn’t know I asked someone to whisper his/her name into my ear again. Well, the time came for me to leave and I shook hands good bye with everyone and said their names, “Warren, nice meeting you. Jennifer, nice meeting you. Stacey, nice meeting you…” When I was done, everyone was quite impressed that I remembered everyone’s names. This really opened the door for them to get to know me better the next time I came to NY City. They obviously remembered me and I can tell that they were much more open and friendlier to me than if I didn’t bother remembering their names.
The same thing happened to me yesterday at Pearl’s Coffee Shop in San Francisco where I often go to think, read, write, and pray. Since there was a new cashier, I said, “Hey are you new here? Haven’t seen you before?... My name’s Mike, by the way, what’s yours?” The cashier smiled and said, “My name is Berry.” While I was leaving Pearl’s two hours later, Berry said, “Thanks for coming… Mike, right?” I responded, “Yup. See you, Berry.”
Something as simple as getting and remembering someone’s name goes a long way. Because I cared enough to get and remember Berry’s name, he’s more open to getting to know me. Hopefully, we can talk more as I frequent Pearl’s more often. You never know, this can even be a bridge to the gospel one day.
4. Show the person that it’s your pleasure to meet him/her
I had a wonderful privilege last month (June 2004) to meet Jack and Janice Lee, a wonderful God-fearing couple in Boston. I was so impressed and blessed that I couldn’t hold in my pleasure at meeting them. When I was leaving I said to Janice (Jack wasn’t present), “Janice, the privilege is definitely mine. I’m so happy that our lives crossed. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting you and Lee.”
I even wrote them a small note on a post it and put it on a bag of Garfield cheese crackers. To put a nice touch to things, I asked my friend to give this to them after I leave for SF, my hometown. When I talked to Jack days later, he really appreciated my kind gesture.
Guys, you don’t meet many people that are a wonderful blessings every day. If you do, let them know how blessed you are to meet them. (Even if you are not blessed to meet some people, you should still extend cordial pleasantries. This gives the person dignity and respect.)
5. Listen attentively
One time I was talking to my friend Susan on the phone and I spaced out for a few minutes. Annie thinking that I spaced out said, “Are you listening?” Out of instinct I said, “Yea.” She then prodded further, “What did I say?” I was so embarrassed. I realized that I completely tuned out of the conversation. Well, the sad thing was that it happened to me twice. I tuned out twice and she caught me both times. Since then I’ve learned that I can’t do email and talk to someone on the phone. In other words, I am not a multi task individual. I’ve also learned that I really need to engage someone in conversation by listening to them and be good at it. You really can’t be a half hearted listener, the other person can tell right away. Plus, if someone is willing to give you his/her time, you honor him/her by being all ears. Listening is a lost art these days. Everyone wants to talk, nobody wants to listen. When you listen attentively, you’ll stand out from the rest.
6. Ask good follow up questions or give relevant remarks
Another way to show that you care about someone is asking them good follow up questions or give interesting remarks that show that you care. Observe this mock conversation:
Sally: Gosh, I can’t wait to go to the summer retreat this year!
John: O yea?! Me too! It should be a lot of fun. What are you looking forward to? (John is asking a follow up question that shows that he is interested in knowing.)
Sally: I can’t wait to hang out with the girls I met last year. It was so fun last year.
John: Yea, that should be fun! I can’t wait to hear what John Piper has to talk about. (Here, John is sharing what he’s looking forward to. This is what I call giving a relevant remark. It is not always a good idea for John take the role of a question asker. There needs to be balance.)
7. Show an interest in what the person is interested in
I have a teenage sister who just graduated from high school. Over the years, whenever I ask her how she was doing she would respond with “Fine!” End of conversation. I realize now that it would be a better way to build a relationship with her by doing things that she liked instead of talking with her. (This will differ depending on the person). So lately, I’ve taken her to the Gilroy Shopping Outlets to buy clothes, talk about what a good deal is, what kind of clothes look good and what doesn’t. Our conversations are not very deep, but it’s a starting point. I’ve even talked to her about my thoughts on dating and girls… hoping to connect with her and chat about things that interest her. I’m sure she appreciates my efforts in trying to bridge out 9 year age gap. It helps to show interest in what the person is interested in.
When I’m with my non-Christian friend Eric, we talk about completely different things than I talk with to my sister. Eric never had a girlfriend before and isn’t exactly a Prince Charming type so talking about dating and romance makes him feel a bit on the outside. Instead, I know that he loves talking about business, making money, and entrepreneurial ideas, so I tend to gear our conversations in way where he seems to have an upper hand and much confidence in. This makes him feel like an expert. I ask him questions and probe his mind which lets him know that I’m not disconnected, but am also interested in the same things he is interested in. I hope that our friendship can be a bridge to the gospel one day. In the meantime, I’ll keep letting him know that I’m interested in the things that interest him.
8. Do not criticize
(This is not to be confused with constructive criticism, which has as its goal seeking out the other person’s best interest, always done in a spirit of love and gentleness.)
It’s so easy for us to criticize, condemn people when they do something wrong or disappoint us. I know an “Uncle Gilbert” who did nothing but criticized and condemned his daughter, Arlene. In his eyes, she could do nothing right. When she was younger if she didn’t eat much, he’d scream at her, “You need to eat! Why you come to the restaurant and not eat?!” Now that Arlene is a teenager she wants nothing to do with her critical dad.
Even if you feel like calling someone “stupid” or “idiot” or say things like “Can’t you do anything right?” you need to hold your tongue. These words can really damage people and destroy them. It can even wreck your relationship with people. Yes, if you show how upset you are at somebody and criticize them they may not make the same mistakes again, but then again they will never see you in the same light ever. On the outside, they may be OK, but on the inside, they may be filled with anger and hatred toward you. You must value the quality of your relationship with people more than you want them to do things your way.
It’s very easy for people to criticize or put down others. Let’s say you asked Samantha, your wife, to pick up some milk on her way home and she forgot. Naturally, you’ll get upset simply because you didn’t get what you wanted, namely milk. Instinctively, you’ll want to blame her and say something like, “How could you forget the milk?!” or “You’re so forgetful. Can’t you do anything right?” or “What am I going to eat my cereal in tomorrow morning?!”
Blaming her will make the situation worse. Yea, you’ll feel better for a few minutes after venting out your frustrations, but how will she feel? Do you think that criticizing her will help you develop a closer, warmer relationship with each other?
The next time you want to criticize or blame someone don’t! Instead take advantage of the situation to let Samantha know about what you mean to her. Even if she forgot the milk say something like, “Don’t worry about it, Samantha. You had so much to do today I would have forgotten, too, if I were you,” or, “No worries. I was going to get something else that I just remembered anyways. Wanna come with me? I’ll buy you some ice cream!”
There are also indirect ways we criticize people as well. When I was in 9th grade, my music teacher criticized me in front of my parents. He said to my parents, “Michael, is good [at playing clarinet], but he’s not that good!”
Before that I played the clarinet for three years. I loved it. I wasn’t the best, but I loved it. Ever since that comment, I felt really hurt and embarrassed by my music teacher. I really resented playing clarinet under him. Eventually, I resented playing clarinet altogether because I associated music with my music teacher. Soon thereafter, I dropped the clarinet and never picked it up ever again. Today I can’t even remember how to play anything.
What the lesson? Criticism hurts! It really damages. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say it! Seriously! Don’t say it!
9. Make the person feel needed and important
As I am writing, a friend of mine named Cynthia is getting married this upcoming Saturday. She asked me to help her out that day so I’ll be an usher for both the ceremony and banquet, chaufer to drive her relatives from place to place, delivery boy bringing dim sum and food from the restaurant to her house, and just about anything else. Since I know how important these roles to the overall experience that day that there is not the least bit in me that feels like I would rather do something else. I feel important.
If you have a favor to ask someone, let’s say, you need someone to edit your grad school personal statements, you should make that person feel needed and important. You can say something like, “Gosh, Christie, I heard that you love writing and excellent at it, too. I was wondering… If you have some time I’d love to have you take a look at my essays before I send them into Oxford University. I know I’m not a very good writer, that’s why I could use help from the best! Would you have time?”
10. Praise the person even when it’s hard to find things to praise the person for
There are many people in this world who are not blessed with the same abilities you have been given. They may be clumsy, forgetful, socially awkward, too verbose… Our natural tendency is to stay away from these kind of people because it is emotionally draining for us to hang around them.
I have a friend named Jackson who people stayed away from. He was always mismatched in the way he dressed, asked you questions as if he were interviewing you, lacked basic social skills, had a funny haircut, and wore thick glasses. At first, I couldn’t find anything positive about him. However, Jackson was a computer genius. I’d ask him for help with my computer problems and he’d fix them. Even in someone like Jackson there are things to praise in him for. I would praise him saying, “Gosh, I don’t know what I’d do without you. Thanks for helping a computer problem prone person like me. You really have a special gift working with computers.” A simple statement like that can go so far.
11. Never give the impression that you have “arrived” but that you are still learning
People don’t like it when you think of yourself as “all that” because they often think that you think you’re better than them. If they think that you think you’re better they may not want to associate with you. Even though you may be a highly talented musician, you don’t want to give off that impression. It may be a good idea to share about your struggles getting to where you are, what you learned along the way, and telling them that you still have a long ways to go.
12. Show appreciation
I remember a few years ago buying a bunch of “Thank You” cards at a store so that I can write some notes to thank people. A female customer in a sports jacket saw this, looked at me, and remarked, “I wish I got a ‘thank you’ card at work. I’ve been there for years, but never got a thing.” I can tell just how much it would have meant for this lady to receive even a simple note of appreciation at work. Everyone feels underappreciated and overworked. As a Christian, there are many ways to show appreciation. You can write a card, give a small gift, take the person to see the SF Giants game, invite him over for dinner, have coffee, and so forth. A little gesture can mean so much.
I remember a college friend named Helen, who made an appreciation photo frame for me to express how much she appreciated me being her Bible study leader that year. I appreciate all the effort that she took to make it for me and the personalization. It encouraged me to know that God used me to encourage and impact people for his glory, even in ways I’m not aware about.
13. Show concern and care
How do you get someone to put on his seat belt in your car? (Some people I’ve driven don’t like wearing it) Well, you can say something like, “Look. If you’re in my car, you have to wear a seatbelt!” or you can say something like, “Johnny, there are lots of careless drivers on the road these days. I don’t want anything bad to happen to you in case there’s a car accident. Would you mind wearing your seatbelt?” The latter approach will convince little Johnny to wear his seatbelt. It will also show your concern and care. The former approach may get Johnny to wear his seatbelt, but he will not feel like you care about him, nor will it help you cultivate a closer relationship with him.
I remember teaching middle school Sunday school two weeks ago. There was a student named Sam whom I wanted to encourage so I asked him about life at school. I took an interest in what he was concerned about. I can tell that there were bullies and classmates who made fun of him so I gently and lovingly challenged to love his enemies. I shared verses on loving your enemies and praying for those who persecute you so I said the next time a bully takes his locker from him, he should offer him some candy or cookies, as a way to bless his bully. Sam knew that I cared about how he was doing in school.
14. Write encouraging notes, letters, postcards
Writing is a lost art. Almost nobody writes anymore (I’m not including email). There is nothing like receiving a hand written note or card. Back when I was just about to start college as a freshman a high school freshman named Kristy wrote a letter to me. It was a pleasant surprise. She mentioned in her letter how much she appreciated my example as a Christian to her as a freshman. She also mentioned that even though we didn’t really know each other that well that she was really encouraged to see my desire to grow in Christ. I was deeply encouraged that someone would make the effort to let me know how much I was appreciated and noticed.
Whenever someone sends me a missions support letter, not only do I send a check for financial support, but I write them a short note letting them know that they are in my prayers and thoughts. People do not simply appreciate financially support, but emotional support as well. What better way to express it than to write a hand written letter. It shows that you think that the person is worth the time you’ve invested in writing.
These days almost nobody spends the time writing letters to anyone. The only thing people ever get in their mailbox is credit card ads and business solicitations. If someone means something to you, let him or her know. Write a note of appreciation. Generally speaking you want to be a specific as possible (i.e. Thanks for taking me on a tour of SF last week. I really enjoyed seeing the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time. Even more, I’m glad to spend time with you and catching up…)
15. When rebuking and correcting, use gentleness and let the person know that the reason why you bring things up is because you love the person
I remember a teammate named Sherry confronting me about being late whenever I came back at night when I was doing missions in Mexico. She felt that since the team leader told me that I was to be back by 11pm that I should be back by then. I felt a little hurt that she said that to me because it’s not comfortable being confronted. I’m glad that she did though because she was watching out for me. She didn’t want the rest of the team to lose respect for me because I never came back on time. (I usually came back late because I was ministering to some people). Sherry found the best time to confront me when we went fishing. I appreciate her help. After this and a few lessons later, I’ve learned just how important it is to be on time to things. In our culture, not being on time is considered rude and disrespectful even if that’s not what you wanted to communicate.
16. Have no expectation
Have no expectation of other people. Or try not to. What do I mean by this? Well, let’s say you want Mark to help move some of your furniture on Saturday morning and you know that he has nothing to do. You call him and he apologizes and says that he “has to” watch the college football games. If you had an expectation you would feel that Mark has let you down and just when you needed him to offer a hand he doesn’t come through because he rather watch football than help a friend. You may feel frustrated at Mark. You may start to resent him and say to yourself that if he ever needed your help that you wouldn’t even help him just so that he knows how it feels.
Instead, you should have no expectation that Mark, even though he’s your friend, would help. This way, whether he offers to help you or not, your friendship with him is not jeopardized or harmed. In other words, you ought to have no expectation of Mark in terms of what he can do for you… but you should have expectations for him as an individual- desire him to fulfill his potential at work, or desire for him to live up to his goals if you were holding him accountable to something, etc.
17. Don’t be afraid to admit you are wrong
When you admit that you are wrong and ask for forgiveness it really tears down the walls or barriers between you and the other person. It is also a sign of humility. Start with “Look, I could be wrong, but…” It’s basically putting your pride on the line for the sake of taking ownership of a wrong to reconcile something in a relationship. This way they can make their decision more so than if you were to cram it down their throats.
18. When trying to persuade someone give them time to think and reflect
Everyone wants to make their own decisions without being rushed. Don’t be a salesperson to your friends and force them to make decisions, especially important ones, on the spot. Give them space to think on their own. Let them come up with their own decisions.
19. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective
If you can anticipate how a person may feel given a certain situation this will make you even more sensitive to the person’s needs.
20. Dramatize your ideas
You want people to go camping with you at Yosemite Park? Well, you should sell it! Most people are very boring when they invite people to their events. They may say something like, “Hey do you want to go to Eddie’s birthday dinner?” Instead, they should say, “Hey, you should come with me to Eddie’s birthday dinner. It’ll be a lot of fun. I heard that Julia will be there, too, it’ll be good to catch up with her and see how her trip to South Africa went. And you know what? Afterwards, we’re going to go ice skating over the frozen lake at Central Park. You should totally come!” Even if you know the person can’t come, you should still “sell it.” It’s just good practice for you to make life more exciting, not just for you, but for those around you.
21. Start things in ways that benefits them
If you want someone to go to the 4th of July fireworks show with you, don’t just say, “You wanna go see the fireworks?” Instead, restate the question in a way that would benefit him to go, like “Jack, you’re coming to the once a year fireworks right? I heard that there’s going to be great jazz music, too (This is assuming Jack likes jazz).”
22. Give the person a fine reputation to live up to
I’ve worked with many students of various ages in education, teaching them to think for themselves and challenging them to improve. Obviously there are times when my students do poorly in school. Instead of saying, “Billy, you did a bad job with this test. I can’t believe you!” Say something like, “Billy, I know that this must have been a super hard test. If I were you I wouldn’t have done much better. But I know that you are good at math! All you have to do is focus and you’ll be on your way to being a math genius in no time. Let’s see what we can work on together to help you get there!”
Believe me, praise works much better than criticism.
23. Praise even the smallest effort or improvement
Everyone needs encouragement. When I started free-lance writing I didn’t start writing for ToyShrimp Ministries voluminously in the beginning. Nope. I wasn’t sure if I was any good or if anyone liked what I was writing.
It was the encouragement of a small handful of people who read my writing and encouraged me to press on. They said things that really encouraged me like, “Mike, this is very well written. I think a lot of people will be encouraged by it.” Or “Mike, you have a unique ability to communicate through writing. Keep it up!”
I’m not kidding you. If people didn’t encourage me I wouldn’t be writing today.
24. Be wise in how you say what you say
There are many ways to apply this. If you need the salt passed, instead of saying, “Gimme the salt!” you can say something like:
“I’m sorry to trouble you, but would you mind passing the salt?”
“Would you be so kind to pass the salt?”
“Would it be too much trouble to pass the salt?”
Think of ways to be wise in how you say things. Remember, it’s not the words alone that communicates, but your body language, tone of voice, and volume.
25. When confronting someone, do it privately.
Whether you want to apologize for something or talk about some weighty issues that need to be squared away, make sure you don’t do this in front of others. It may embarrass him or make him feel uncomfortable to know that others are listening in on the conversation.
Conclusion
So there you have it! I hope that reading this will jog your thinking process to see which area(s) you might want to work on. Remember, all of us have something we can improve in. If you’re up for it, I think that the single greatest asset you’ll have is a couple of real good friends of both genders who can give you honest feedback on what they think about you. I ask people around me all the time, “How am I doing?”, “Should I have said that?”, “Do you think I was clear enough when talking to Jill?”, and so on.
I wish you good luck! May you be a people magnet.
posted by Don't Have a Cow, Man! at 1:18 AM
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